The PearlRonin Style!
by crazyroninchic
Summary: Ever read John Steinbeck's The Pearl? Can you picture the Ronins acting it out?...Weird, ne? It's better than it sounds, I swear! Rating for language...and insanity...R


The Pearl…Ronin Style!!!!

A/N: okay, please don't ask. We read this book in English and I'm bored so…why the hell not? Plus in this story, Mia is a total witch, cuz I want her to be funnier and more sarcastic. And some characters get a little burned, and I don't mean literally. If your favorite character gets it, just think about this—I am OBSESSED with Rowen and he goes slightly insane in part of this. Read on! .

CAST

Kento... Kino

Mia... Juana 

Ryo... the doctor

Cye ...Juan Tomas or something/props

Sage ...the priest/props

Kale, Anubis, and Kayura... the pearl buyers/the trackers

Dais and Sekhmet... the dogs…a heh heh heh…kidding…no I'm not!

Rowen... director, cuz he is the only one who ever read the damn book!!

This is the new and improved Pearl, since the other was in script format and I didn't want it to be removed by So, don't kill me if it sucks. No one is reading it anyway…cept Meira Evenstar, to whom I owe my great thanks…and a BIG hug!!!!

The sun was shining over a peaceful little fishing village in Toyama (and PLEASE don't ask me what the hell a fishing village is doing there, cuz if there wasn't one there before, there is now).

A young man rose from bed, sniggering like a preteen, offstage. "I was in bed with Mia…"

Offstage, the blue-haired director slapped a hand to his forehead and muttered, "Why me?"

Mia lept from bed. "Kento, you are so immature! Now say your damn lines while I make some breakfast, goddammit!!" She gets to work making their cornmeal pancakes.

Kento made a face. "I don't want some stinkin' cornmeal crap! I want GOOD food!" he notices Rowen's murderous look from backstage and laughs nervously. "Cornmeal! Right." He runs to the door as Mia shakes her head in disgust.

"Ah, the Song of the Family is behind me……………Wait, what? Was this writer on crack? (A/N: this is Kento's opinion, not mine! .) The only song I hear is the Song of My Stomach!"

Ryo's voice could be heard, slightly muffled, from backstage. "That's a never-ending song if there ever was one!"

The audience first notices a small boy in a cradle as he begins to sing…loudly. "THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS! YES IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS—"

"You totally set him up for that, Ryo." Mia said.

"Sorry."

"Cue the scorpion!!" our fantabulous director yells.

A large white tiger is pushed out onto stage wearing a ridiculous outfit composed of several spindly legs and a murderously-sharp tail. Ryo can be heard muttering backstage about the abuses his poor tiger has been made to suffer…

White Blaze ambled over to Yuli in his cradle and sniffs him.

Yuli cried out as if in pain. "AUGH!! I'VE BEEN SHOT!!!"

The muffled sound of someone banging their head against a brick wall emanates from backstage.

Mia, deciding to take charge since the director is about to put himself into a head-injury-induced coma and all the others were idiots, slung the wailing Yuli over her shoulder and dragged Kento out the door.

"Let's go, genius. Our 'son' needs to see a doctor…"

"Whatever. I'm hungry."

'Kino' and 'Juana' make their way to the ground, gradually picking up lots of curious townspeople, like a magnet for losers who have nothing better to do than follow anyone who stumbles into their town.

The reach the church, and a 'priest' (I use a lot of quotation marks, ne?) with reeeeeeeally poofy blonde hair steps into their path.

"Guys! I was supposed to go to YOUR house!" Sage said indignantly.

"My bad," Kento said, looking anything but remorseful.

"Anyway, children of the church, thoust shall…umm, dang, this is confusing! I can't talk like this! Dude, He gave you this huge pearl, so pray to Him and give lots of money to the church! Peace."

Mia shook her head in disgust as they moved away from him. "Greedy bastard. And we haven't even gotten the pearl yet, genius."

Sage could be heard in the distance. "I HEARD THAT!!"

The procession reached the doctor's house. Kento rapped on the door while sing-songing, "Knock! Knock!"

"Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order?…Wait, I mean, who's there?" came the voice of an obviously confused person.

"Kino."

"Kino who?"

Kento pondered this for a minute, before yelling backstage, "ROWEN! What's my last name?"

Mia shoved him aside. "Let me handle this." She growled. Turning to the door, she began talking in a low, dangerous voice. "Listen up, and listen up good. My damn brat needs medical attention, so you'd better tell the doctor to get off his fat ass and come help."

The Voice, somewhat annoyed, muttered, "Hold on," and walked into the main room of the house (the owner of the Voice I mean…).

Ryo is sitting in a chintzy little chair with about seven pillows stuffed under his satin bathrobe. The top buttons are undone, allowing fangirls a slight peek at his manly chest…

He clutched a tiny cup and was slightly tipsy. "Whash up?" He hiccupped.

Mr. Voice sighs heavily. "I told you not to drink too much of that wine! It's very strong!! Why do you think the glass is so small?!"

"Oops…"

"Anyway, you got some stupid hicks at the front door with a sick baby that looks more like a retarded six-year-old and the whole freakin' town followed them here like they always do. They're like a pack of really, really, REALLY stupid cows. Anyway. What do you want me to do with them?"

Ryo's eyes widened as he stared at something nonexistent on the ceiling. "Ohhhhhhh…flying applesauce…"

"Right." The voice goes back to the door. "The almighty doctor won't help your baby unless you pay him, and you must be poor as dirt (I mean, LOOK at you), so…buh-bye!" he slams the door.

Kento, pretending to be pissed, punches the door. "Grrr…wham OW!! DAMMIT!!!!"

Mia heads home, muttering obscenities under her breath and ignoring Kento, who is hopping around in the background, howling in pain.

"What a pansy…" she grumbled, just loud enough for him to hear. Kento immediately stopped wailing at this cruel attack on his manhood, and gave Mia a surly look.

"Anyway, shouldn't we be looking for the pearl now, so we can save our idiot son?" Mia asked.

"HEY!" Yuli protested.

"Shut it, shrimp, you're supposed to be sick."

Kento looked surprised. "Pearl?…I thought this story had ass-whooping in it! Not some sissy jewelry!"

Rowen storms onto stage. "Why do you think it's called THE PEARL?!"

Kento blinked. "Oh, right……Onto the pearl!" he exclaimed while striking a heroic post and pointing in the opposite direction from where they needed to go.

(In a boat, in the sea, in this crappy story…)

Kento shifted his position in the boat, staring innocently around. "Sooo…er…what now, Mia?"

Mia sweat-dropped. "You're supposed to dive down and find the oyster with the pearl in it."

"But I don't wanna get wet! Can't we just skip to the part where we get the pearl? Pleeeeeeaaassseee?" Kento whined in a voice annoying enough to drive anyone insane.

Rowen, extremely incensed (really pissed) begins to scream in frustration. " censored censored KENTO censored censored ACTORS censored censored ARROW SHOCK WAVE!!!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Kento screamed like a little girl.

The author appears on stage, glancing nervously behind her. "Please excuse this interruption. We will be back to the regularly scheduled program once we stop Rowen from beating Kento to a bloody pulp. Thank you." She runs over to help restrain Rowen.

(2 hours later…)

"Thankfully, Rowen has graciously accepted Kento's sincere apology and agreed to still be our director, since he is the only one who knows the book. I DID read it in ninth grade, but do I remember it? ….ummmm…. Anyway, for those of you who are still awake/alive, back to the show!"

"'Graciously'? Riiiiiiiight…" Kento snorted.

"Watch it Kento!" The author said sharply, pointing at him pointedly.

"Alright, let's take this pearl to the pearl buyers." Mia said, her throat slightly hoarse from laughing her ass off as Kento was beaten brutally.

They head into town. The stupid villagers follow AGAIN. This dumb-looking procession reaches the pearl buyers in time to find them quite…unprepared.

Kayura tapped her foot impatiently. "Dammit, Anubis, put that coin away and say your lines!"

Anubis drops the quarter in surprise and mumbles a "sorry."

Kale slaps his hand to his forehead and mutters something inaudible.

"Get your ass over here, Hardrock, and show me the pearl." Anubis growled, angry at being caught.

Kento gave Nubi the evil eye as he stalked over and tossed the pearl on his desk. "Here."

Kayura raised her eyebrows. "That IS a big pearl…" she eeps as Kale gives her a look. "I mean…it's a piece of crap!"

"It really is. Is the best our props department can do?" Anubis mused.

"HEY!!!" Cye and Sage yelled indignantly from offstage.

"Anyway, I'll give you a quarter for it." Anubis finished.

"Deal."

Rowen rushes onstage and whispers in Kento's ear.

"………..Oh! I get it!" Kento exclaimed as Rowen exited. He slammed his fist on Anubis's desk, causing the pearl to bounce off into the audience.

Audience member: Cool!!!

Kale shook his fist. "Give that back, you Neanderthal!"

"Okay!" someone yells, as the pearl comes flying back from the audience, and hits Kale in the face.

"OW!!"

Kento, ignoring them, continues on with his lines. "That price is far too low! I mean, just look at the quality of this pearl…" he trailed off as he noticed that it is all dented and chipped. "I mean, just look at the SIZE of this pearl…" He quickly backtracked.

Anubis raises his eyebrows.

"That money will go to my son's education and health! Plus…" Kento added, in a lowered voice," Daddy needs a new pair of moccasins…"

"Kento!" Kale groaned, rolling his eyes at the lamer-than-lame joke.

"That's Kino."

"Whatever."

"SO…what was it Rowen said….oh yeah! We're going to the capital! ON TO CARNEGIE HALL!!!"

"Good lord, Kento!" Rowen exclaimed. "For heaven's sake--SCENE CHANGE!!"

At the shore, we join our heroes by what USED to be a canoe. Apparently, the most inventive thing the 'pearl buyers' and 'doctor' could think up to sabotage Kino and Juana was to punch a whole in the bottom of their canoe. Actually, that was all they were SUPPOSED to do…there were some crude words written on it, and it appeared that someone had torched it.

"Compliments of Ryo…" Mia muttered grimly.

"What the FRICK!!! YOU BASTARDS!!!" Kento screamed in frustration. He suddenly leaps into the bushes, noticing someone there. "Aha!! I'll kill you!"

Mia looks over to where Rowen is standing, an exasperated look on his face. "Good thing I planned that, having found an extra Dynasty soldier…" he said.

"What?! You tricked me!!" Kento accused. He rounded on Mia. "You knew about this!" he shoved her to the ground.

"What the hell, Kento?!" Mia shrieked as she fell into the sand.

"Cue the fire!" Rowen said through clenched teeth.

"Mwhahahahaha!!" Ryo's maniacal laughter can be heard.

"Noooooooooooo! Ryo!!!!!!!" Kento rushes back to the house, but it is too late.

Cye poked his head out from a nearby hut. "Get in here!"

Kento grinned. "Yo! It's my bro!" he laughed as he and Mia and Yuli entered the hut. . Since no one else remained to play Apolonia, Juan Tomas' wife, someone drew a crude sketch of a somewhat chunky woman on the wall. Kento noticed with a smirk that someone had added a scale under her with the arrow pointing to "grossly obese".

"I would ask you to stay, but you have to go to the capital because Nubi is a cheap bastard…just be careful, cause the whole town is looking for you!"

Audience: O.o (at the rapidness of the scene and the fact that Cye said 'bastard')

"So, uh, what are we gonna do? Those jerks ruined our boat and apparently we are so poor we can't afford other, more clever and comfortable, means of travel…" Mia asked, as they walked down the path.

"Uhh…I guess we walk…" Kento said.

"Damn…"

"Guys?" Yuli asked tentatively.

"WHAT?" the other two asked, glowering.

"Oh, nothing!" Yuli squeaked, frightened. "I was just checking to make sure I was still in this story…"

The three of them turn to see Kayura, Kale, and Anubis in the distance, heading toward them. Anubis and Kayura are holding leashes attached to Sekhmet and Dais, who are crawling on their knees in front of them.

"What the hell are they doing?" Mia wondered aloud.

"They are the trackers sent to find you, kill you, and take the pearl…and Sekhy and Daidai are the dogs…" replied the author.

They all give her a look.

"WHAT?! WORK with me, people!!"

Mia shook her head. "Now THAT is pathetic…"

The author sweatdropped. "Well, they WERE desperate to be in this…"

"WHY, I have no idea…" Yuli rolled his eyes.

The author glowered at him. "You wanna piece of me, brat?" she growled threateningly.

"Eeeeep…"

"Okay then!" she said, turning on her heel and exiting stage left…or right…whatever.

"I hate to interrupt this touching scene, but we should get going. We ARE supposed to be avoiding those pearl trackers, aren't we?" Kento said, glancing behind them.

Mia grabbed Yuli's arm and dragged him along. "Right. Let's go."

Hours later, the three of them are hiding in a bush, and the trackers are right outside of it, pretending they can't see them, though it is totally obvious where they are. It doesn't help that Kento is eating an apple LOUDLY.

"Kento. We're supposed to be HIDING. You can go without food for more than two hours." Mia hissed through clenched teeth.

"Shorry." Kento apologized, spraying apple all over Mia in the process.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!" She shrieked while smacking him upside the head.

"Cut to the cave scene!!" Rowen yelled, annoyed. Then, he added in an undertone, "So we can get the hell out of here…"

Kento, Mia, and Yuli are crouching a cave on a poorly-constructed cardboard mountain. Further down, Kayura, Anubis, Kale, and their 'dogs'—Dais and Sekhmet set up camp.

Mia shrieks softly as her foot breaks through the cardboard. "Yeek! This is really dangerous! Let's get a move on, shall we?"

"Right." Kento nodded. He exited the cave and started to creep down mountain. Though he was supposed to be moving stealthily, he apparently missed the class on THAT one, for he insisted on swearing loudly every once in a while when his foot fell through the 'mountain'.

"Talk about poor craftsmanship…" he muttered darkly.

Sage and Cye fumed offstage, thinking up a few choice words for Kento after the show.

Rowen shook his head. "Quietly, Kento, QUIETLY."

"Yeah, yeah…" He reached a tree close to Kale, who was holding the gun and trying to ignore Kento's attempt to look like James Bond (A/N: ya'll know what I'm talking about…c'mon…). "Gimme that gun!" Kento yelled, suddenly jumping out at Kale and wrestling him to the ground.

Kayura tapped her foot impatiently. "A**HEM**, Kale…" He looks up to see her pointing angrily at the cave.

"Oh. Right! I hear a coyote, so I'm gonna shoot it!" he said, aiming the gun at the cave.

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" Sage fell to his knees, tears pouring down his cheeks.

"Relax, he's only going to shoot Yuli." Cye reassured him.

"Oh. Okay."

"HEY!"

POW

"AUGH!!"

"Yuli…"

"I've been shot!!!"

-SMACK-

"Owww, Mia!"

"Oh, gimme a break," Kento groaned.

Anubis smirked. "Gee, what are the odds that the bullet would fly into that particular cave and blow that particular twerp's head off?"

Kale sniggered. "How unfortunate…NOT!"

Cut to cave, Mia is holding a headless doll dripping ketchup, and looking very bored.

"Can I go home now?"

Kento ran up to the cave, holding a box of McDonald's © french fries, dunks one into the hole where the head should have been, and shoves it into his mouth. "Dee-licios!" he cooed.

Mia glared at Sage and Cye while pointing furiously at the doll. "THIS is your idea of quality props?!"

Cye shrugged. "What do you want from us?"

Sage nodded. "We had no money. The funding for this play sucks."

"Screw that, this whole play sucks." Mia grumbled.

The author stormed out onstage, about to say something angry. "…" She hesitated, contemplating Mia's words. She shut her mouth and nodded thoughtfully, agreeing, and exited.

The scene changes to Mia and Kento walking through town, holding a ketchup-stained bundle.

"Let's just chuck the damn pearl back in the ocean." Kento suggested.

"Finally." Mia muttered.

Kento tossed it back in the water, and the two of them turn and leave the stage. Mia waved a hand over her shoulder boredly, throwing the bundle aside. "Thank you goodnight."

The curtain closes, and the author ran out on stage.

"And that's our show! Thanks for coming and remember: "Our cast puts the FUN in dysfunctional!" And now a word from our director!"

Rowen walked onstage. "Well, this was a UNIQUE way of portraying The Pearl. If it were the book, you all would probably have been thinking about the different aspects of this novel by John Steinbeck. But after that performance, you all are probably reflecting on the stupidity of it and wondering about the sanity of the actors and crew. I really don't blame you. I'll leave it at that. And now, let's have our cast take a bow."

The curtains rise again, and all the actors are standing in a row, and they bow together. As they straighten, the pearl is thrown from the audience, hitting Kale in the eye.

"Damn you! You snot-nosed punk!!" he began to jump up and down and howl in rage.

Audience member: EAT. MY. SHORTS.

As chaos breaks out among the audience, Kayura and Mia get into another cat fight, and White Blaze chases Yuli off the stage with a rubber chicken in his mouth. Rowen, Cye, and Sage gang up on Kento, and Sekhmet and Dais get into a fist fight. Kale attacks the Audience member in full armor, and Anubis helps The Author duct tape Ryo to a chair.

The author looks up and winks. "Hope you enjoyed the show! Ja ne!"

End

(For now! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!)


End file.
